At the risk of sounding pompous and for those that know me well, I guess I am, I wanted to share a few observations and requirements for authority, our rates and fees...
If you seek to show the world your vision and aspirations and get them accepted by those that should know better but don’t, you must always be perceived as being in the know. A leading Authority.
The critics and I have more than my fair share of them, accuse those who aspire and espouse authority, with spouting platitudes and other rubbish.
But the critics are like eunuchs in a harem. They know how it’s done; they see it done everyday but are unable to do it themselves. Which is why they become critics?

No, being forthright, confident in your articulation and communication, you can show the world what your values, aspirations, passions are.
Creating and designing is difficult to explain because it’s easy to understand. Bit like pornography really- you can’t define it but you know it when you see it. Great media, films, web sites, logos brands and adverts are constructed to render invisibility. That’s the nature of the medium.
Our media is constructed through the skillful use of visuals and linguistic elements manipulated to arrest the human intelligence long enough for it to respond positively to your business objectives.
The challenge of course is to dismantle the totality of it all and interpret how it was out together. Media, read, comprehended and works sometimes is observed no longer than a few moments but may have taken a few weeks to create and produce. Which is why you get the people who know how. You get on with what you do best.

Remember that great visionaries leave burnt trails and certainly do not appear to follow the well trodden pathways that lead to the comfortable mediocrity we are so used to these days.
Importantly, be seen to stand for something higher. Good enough should never be good enough for you because it’s dull boring and expected. Stand for achievements of real value worth, as being worth more than just money. Standing for Honesty, Integrity Contributing to humankind and its World.
Be the one who when boring people they think it’s their fault.
We have no intention of retiring from this fabulous life, for just when we think things can’t get any better – we open another bottle of celebratory Bollinger.
So when you decide to negotiate with us about our high prices remember, a company will go to the ends of the Earth to employ the right people of which our fee is about 10%. So our fee may seem high but we have calculated carefully what it takes to create and produce media that achieves its objectives and places you and your company in the finest light. . It is what it is and the successful companies that have paid our excessively high fees are more that happy with the extraordinary results. If you want a Bentley don’t expect to pay Skoda prices.
Having got that off our chests what can we do for you?

My Goodness, what have we started here? Only two weeks into Confessions at the baldchemist and we have been inundated with guilt ridden little devils wanting to lighten their load.
Well,from the hundred or so e mails I received this week, here are the five best(worst?). Until now we have not received a "5 pointer" but we are getting closer and closer. Come on you sinners, here's your chance to show that you are the worst there is. Carry on sinning, no problem, but share it with us lesser mortals eh?
I'm saving mine so that none of you get an inferior confession complex.

Mats a student living in Gothenburg Sweden writes;
one night I went to a local building site and moved the markers around a meter here and there.The next day they cut through telephone,Electric and Broadband cables. That will teach the bastards to make noise while I'm studying.
Rating; Well Mats you are a little shit aren't you? But well done that you have the guts to confess here. You'll get a 4 for that.( If it had affected me you would definetly got a 5 and a rot in hell).

Here's an anonymous confessor:
I've been answering sex ads in the local paper and on the net even though I have a husband and two kids. I even replied with naked pictures and arranged to meet and have sex with one recipient but chickened out at the last minute.
Rating; another 4. Jesus! Had you gone through the whole thing you could have got a 5,( especially if you had confessed the details).What's wrong with you woman?

A nurse from Solihull, England confesses; I often have sex in the night emergency department. Most of the time its with the same doctor. I don't really like him but it makes the time go quicker.We are both married with kids.
Rating; Well thats nothing unique in Birmingham is it? However your confession ( and we trust you have stopped?) rates only a 3 in the company writing this week. Keep at it for the coveted 5.
Well that's it for this time more as they come in and get rated.

Have you something to confess? Think about it long and hard ( short and soft also) and tell us all about it.use the comments box.

I recently confessed to number of things that needed airing. Stuff that happened years ago, some of it outright outrageous. Some just dirty and repulsive. Some just bloody funny. Now I thought of all the rascals I know who would welcome the opportunity to ease their consciences. So write in and tell the World your secrets, anonymously if you want. Embellish the truth if it makes your confession funnier but lets all have a laugh sharing our confessions.
I'll start the ball rolling with a few picked up in a pub.
Well rate the confession on a scale of 1-5. If you get a 5 ( very hard in this company) then you will burn in Hell.
So get writing and send them in so that those with guilty consciences can feel better or at least that they are in great company.
From an anonymous writer;
" Last Saturday I had sex with my mother in law. My wife knows nothing about it and I have a bad conscience. But will probably do it again. "
Comment; This is as close to a burn in hell. Rates only 4 because the writer failed to tell us how good the sex was.

Mark a civil engineer writes.
"I like to listen and watch while others have sex"
Comment; Mark, its only worth a 2, half the World likes to watch and listen. The figure would be higher but half the World is being watched.

Ivan a plumber from Scarborough England.
" A fisherman used to come to our fish and chip shop and give me a hard time while I cooked the fish he brought in. He always wanted Curry sauce and lots of it. So next time I made curry sauce I pissed in it. He thought it tasted great and so did the owner. "
Comment; Nice one Ivan sweet revenge and a tasty one also we'll rate that a 4.

Here's one from Sweden. Leif a marketing Director.
"Last week I managed to get hold of someones credit card number and used it to order a load of smuggled booze to be delivered to the Jehovah's witnesses on the other side of the street."
Comment; Ah Leif. you could have almost got a 5 there had you ordered up some porn as well. Never mind better luck next time eh. rates a 3+

Anonymous writes, ( and I have a problem believing this one)
' I am 42 years of age and still a virgin" Well I'm sure one of our readers can assist here just leave your address. Rates a 2+. ( How come a virgin is visiting this site?)

I took the time recently to discuss the concerns and myths around exercise and diet with one of the Worlds foremost experts on the subject, Professor Liam Daley, well known bon viveur and gourmand.
The results will awaken new thoughts on diets. I'm astounded that we know so little. Thank God for the Irish.

Q: Are vegetables really good for my diet and how many should I eat on a daily basis?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn, vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering
vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. So cheers and good health.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales,walrus,dugongs and seals to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: What do you think round is? It’s a shape of course!

Hopefully this will clear up the misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember, life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Bollinger in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, “ What a Ride!"

Messing with the great English language

After recently receiving a letter from the Head of the Church of England, HMH Queen Elisabeth and one from the Vatican requesting, no ordering me to take a vacation and leave the church scandals alone, I have, at least for the moment decided to refrain from making any further comment on religion.

So just for a change and acting upon information from MP Jeff Straw UK Foreign Minister, that an adapted version of English is being instigated to level the playing field a little for our Germanic cousins, I decided to rejoin the Academics and report the findings.

The French, as usual are up in arms but in the interests of Egalite, this is the result:

New language standards for EU (the European Union for our American friends who don�t know anything outside of Denver and probably think its a fast food joint).

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility (they must have been kidding).

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-inplan that would become known as "Euro-English.

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer ze u,nesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve wil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Easy eh? You New Yorkers will feel at home with this. Just like Brooklyn. Those of you who are the slightest bit entreupereal will jump on the bandwagon and open a new language school immediately.

8 million New Yorkers, you have a job for life teaching Euro English. Lucky Devils. And I spent 12 years learning proper English like the Queen ( Elton). What a waste!

A good old Spike Milligan joke, voted as the best ever, here goes:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.
He says: "OK, now what?" My StumbleUpon Page

I coudn't resist sharing this one with you.

A fairy appeared before an old married couple and said, "You've been married for 35 years and lived an examplary life. Because of that I am going to grant you two wishes. One each."

The wife, quick as a flash and being the wonderful wife that she was wished for two tickets for a round the world trip for her and her beloved husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and two first class tickets appeared.

The husband when his turn came around, thought momentarily and then said, "Because this is so special and fairies only turn up once in a lifetime, I'm sorry darling but my wish is that I want a wife that is thirty years younger than me."

The wife of course became very sad and a good bit angry, but a wish is a wish.

The fairy waved her magic wand again and the husband turned into a ninety year old ditherer!

The moral of course is:
Men will always be men. But remember fairies are always women.

Hope you can get a few free drinks out of that one.
I'm back.

Photo courtesy of www.threewisheslingerie.com/fairies.asp My StumbleUpon Page